Have you ever gone swimming in the ocean when the water is tepid, the sun gold-warm and liquid salt on your skin feels like the reason for which you came to planet earth?
The swell is gentle, the rhythmic waves just right.
It can change, though. The tide shifts. The current changes its course. Suddenly breakers come and if you’re like me, you know that you have more chance of survival if you hold your breath and dive right in. Into the swirling about-to-crash wave before it breaks.
Metaphorically, that’s what this past year has been about for me. I dove in – early 2015 – and only now, am I emerging.
Recently I had a dream that almost exactly painted this picture: the sea and me diving into the tumbling surf, trusting that I would somehow, God willing, come out for the next in-breath.
Dreamtime is timeless. We’re in real life though and we measure our movements with time. So where did 9-10-11-12 months go?
If I tell, you may not believe me – it depends how real, for you, is this or that reality. Considering that I have now let it all go, I will share with you. After all, we are one cosmic breathing heart beating organism. Not so?
2015 has been for me:
The year that I finally got to the root cause of a long lived illness and found the specifics that my body needed for regeneration and healing. Thank-fully.
The year has been a spiritual immersion. I didn’t plan it this way. My ego would have preferred a way more productive life. Instead I was drawn into deeper states of meditation and stillness. Living in the ideal nature retreat, Life made this relatively easy. Once again, though, my human nature did wonder where I was heading.
The year was a process whereby I shifted. From who I once thought myself to be, to my current less-identified with anything-reality. I awoke to a deeper experience of being free. (Jai Kali Ma)
I reflected a lot. On finishing things of the past, on the present, on my future potential and the sadness of what could be an unlived life I still held inside.
Which led me to the ground shifting question:
What life am I now to live?
With freedom comes response –ability and I realised that it is time for a round of change. And change it has been! You know, in the Antarctica, where big boulders of ice break off and float into the sea…I’ve felt that’s been happening interiorly.
And as they melt into the sea, all the separate fragmented parts of the me-existence dissolved into one more confluent reality.
I’m not sure if this is a side effect of enduring illness or turning fifty? Or a necessary initiation of an earnest quest to awaken. I just know that the life I have lived is done. Over. There’s a fuller, more fluid momentum calling me.. into the surf.
Maybe I’m being optimistic. Existence could still wipe me out.
Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to be more allowing to myself, to playfully action freshly landing visions and dreams. To give to myself in ways that sing of freedom, freedom, freedom.
From what? You might say. From trivia. From the importance of judgements. From succeeding. From failing. From self-imposed limitations. From compensating for fear of never being enough. From trying so hard to be a human being. From needing to, but never quite fitting in.
So, I give myself permission to be a magnificent misfit: I refuse to fit in to who I once believed I was supposed to be. I refuse to feel guilty for stepping out of that loop. I refuse to be controlled or contained into a small box with an identification label that says, ag shame, this is “me”. I refuse to punish myself. I refuse to be caught in traps of complexity. Or apathy. Or conformity.
In fact, I’ve decided that I’m queen of my world!
That my sovereign king-queendom is my consciousness and I tend to this daily to see that all is well.
I pronounce that in my royal estate, the gardens are flowering, there are fountains of gold. The trees are tall and many. Bird song fills the air. Of course, there are many blank news-print journals lying around everywhere . Bells and drums and colourful things.
There are temples of healing, of sound, halls of learning and oh, so many Yoga books. Malas, prayer rugs, yoga mats and deities that descend. They speak to me. (Remember, I’m fifty now, so I’m allowed to be a little crazy)
They tell me what to do next. I follow their guidance implicitly. And guess what? Life is smoother (Jai Ganesha!) than it ever was before.
Before, I was still inculcated by my ego, my human misgivings and my in-congruency with Divinity. But now, having found a truer alignment, I’m in deity heaven, while my feet, hopefully, touch the earth.
So how do I support myself? Ah yes, you are so practical to ask. My former business became trickling and sometimes seemed like it was falling away. I did nothing to keep the wheels turning. It just was that way. I’ve always managed, somehow, to bypass insecurities around money – so it felt okay to wait and see. Yes, I know – not a recipe for financial stability – but it works, occasionally, for me. This, too, is now up for change. It’s time to do things differently!
Fortunately, I’ve come to trust that there is always a pivotal turning point in any given situation, which is the precise point of clarity.
It doesn’t come before that time and you can’t delay it either. The point of clarity!
Somewhere in the midst of my abstract meditative zone, the point of clarity dawned. I saw a new life: a simpler freer version and one where my stalled creative life, could now move forward into action.
I’m so happy if you’re still reading. I didn’t mean for this to be all about me. Paradoxically, telling the story of me is just a doorway to a larger universal reality. Maybe you’ll relate or feel inspired to your own review and self-enquiry. .?
As the year draws to a close, I usually go into this scanning back phase. I have learned that bringing completion to certain situations opens the space for a fresh new beginning.
To make a long story short, 2015 was low-key and it was powerful. It was like diving in and emerging from the wet, salty, frothy tumbling surf.
How was it for you?